My Propercy

So alot has happened since the last time I have written a blog. David and I both made the worst decision to defy our marriage and to make a long story short after more lies, hart, pain and even marriage counselling   we decided to end the marriage. Months and Months has past and and I am still living with David but we are living separate lives as always.
I was content with moving on with my life as I'm sure David is or even was. We haven't spoken more than 3 words a week to each other in the last year, and we have been living in hell for the last 4 years if truth be told. Looking at us on paper, or from the outside everything made since that this marriage was over from I do.
We would do anything to hurt one another and take great pride on the competition. It's crazy how you can be married to someone but feel so distance as strangers or even enemies. So anyways, all this is true and there is no way out of this whole.

That was until, Sep 27, 2014, when I received prophecy from Sis.Sue Cleaver. Well, the first time she spoke from God to the both David and I at Sis.Moores Birthday dinner in the mall at Cotton batch. There in Temple Texas changed my sight on how I looked at David but it didn't change my heart on how I felt about him. I was sure I was done with this marriage. So as Sue spoke, she said that David and I hearts are made from each other, instantly  I thought this woman ,new to our church not knowing what we have put each other through, has no clue of what she is talking about. but,out of respect for her and the Lord. I didn't run away I stayed and took it in. She added that what David has I need and what I have David needs. She also, said that God showed her that God is building Davids heart after his own and that he had a good heart.She wanted me to know that my fear keeps me from seeing it. I don't recall everything she said, but just that little bit was a very hard pill to swallow because again I was content with walking away.

David and I didn't talk about what Sis. Sue had said, in fact again we went on living like we had the days, months and years before. As, if that was not enough God was not done with me and he had more. Sunday, Sep 28, 2014, yes a day later. That after noon I was at a youth harp warrior service and I was standing up praying and I was holding a members little girl and Sue was to the right of me praying and praising God.
I did't really pay attention to her but I could see her coming close to me and saying something but I was making it all out. then God showed me something and said, I told her to tell you something and God showed me, what he showed Sue but I didn't was to accept it so I tried everything in my power not to look at Sue.

Then came Monday and god was not going to let me get away with it. Sis.Sue texted me 7 words that frozen my heart and everything around me, her texted was, " Are you planning on having another baby?' All I can say is WOW, because there was once a time that, having a baby with David was all I thought about but my biggest desire was what caused one of the largest fall out with David and I.

Sis.Sue and I continued  our conversation that Wednesday, Oct 1 after church and  during prayer I had an experience with the father. As I was praying I saw a vision of me laying in the fathers chest and I had my hand on his heart and my other hand on mine. i said father if you want this marriage to work your going to have to give me the love that you have for David in your heart. your going to have to let the forgivness and love flow from your heart to mine. At that moment I felt a flow of cold substance leave my hand over the fathers and into my heart with that I heard the father say, it's going to be hard and painful are you willing ? without a thought I said, YES. and again I reminded him to put it in my heart and let it flow from his. I again heard his voice and he said to me, lay in my bossom, hear my heart and follow me. just like that I felt a great peace. I know it's not going to happen over night and I know this to be true because Sis.Sue had no idea what the father and I talked about and in our talk she said, she saw David and I standing in church and I was holding a baby. That this baby was birth out of great love. I was taking back because that great love was the love I asked God to flow from his heart into mine for David. Sue also said , if David and I wanted this love then we would have to go through this pain and it was going to feel like I was dying.
Anyone, wold take the easy road and run. I mean Im already out so going back into pain would be like suicide, Lord help me.
I made up my mine up, I will give it one more try, I will become raw and humble, I will trust with the last inch of my heart and I would like to invite you on this journey of me letting it all go for complete Love.
Watch me fall, but get back up.
Hear me cry, but see my tears dry.
Understand my fear, but look at my strength.
The world says, this is impossible
but my faith tells me with God, it's possible. 

Where will I be?

Somdavid didn't go to youth convention with us this year he is home packing because we have to be out of the house by the end of the month. I also don't know what am going to be coming home too. Has he packed his stuff got a place and is moving on his own or when Davinte and on come back from convention will he have had moved all our stuff to separated places him to his sisters or another woman and I and ponta to aunt suits or my mom. I feel like this marriage is over because once again nothing settled just covered for the next blow up and if its not over now it will be after the next blow up because I can't keep living like this. He is going to his family reunion and I most likely going to be in Minnesota. It is what it is and I'm just going to get home and see where things lay. I called and he didn't pick up and didn't call me back I heard people in the back ground and he said why am I calling in a playful way but I think to throw her off. Anyways whatever.

It's been a while

So im post surgery and David and I still have not had sex so not luck nor blessing in the baby making dept. However Im still holding on to faith because God has done some things in stranger ways, so IM holding on to what ever God's going to do in my life and I dont know how he is going to make his pomise happen but not my bussiness to worry about it Im just going to bless, praise, thanks and glorify his name until it happens and when that day comes and the doctor says, you are prego I will love God even more than I do know if thats possiable and I will bless, praise, thanks,and glorify his name and make his name known through my story. It didn't come easy like most of my co-worker they just dream of having a baby and it happens.
One of my co-workers struggled but now she is having twin boys Im happy for her it just makes me sad to wondering when God, when are you going to bless me? Im waiting and waiting and still holdin on to faith, some people would ask how long do you hold on to faith and I say, until God bless me am going to hold on to him and even then am never letting go, I love him, he has done so much in my life in my short 33 years I have been on earth, thats a fact. I just love him.FAITH

Trust the Lord, lean not to my understanding

Dear Jesus,

This is harder to do than to say. Im so sad and feel let down by you God. I know what your thinking because am thinking the same thing. How dare I think a thought like that after all that you have done for me. Well, I don't know how I could but this is how Im feeling and trust me Lord am not happy with my thoughts but like your the Head over my life you also control my thoughts and this feeling that I have make me just want to die.

So any ways not only am I confused on why you would not make my period come on Monday the 14th so l that I could have surgery then but not only did you make me feel tricked but I will not be in the bed for Christmas. No baby and can't spend the day with family and I so bitter about this.

I have trusted you, had faith and trusted you. I had called and prayed every single way that I know how, I even reached out for prayer and strength to help me have faith. I also have heard you dont go on time so this pain is nothing to you been what you went through for me and my sins so even though I feel lost, sad and let donwn from yet another man. I still choose you, love you, have faith d trust you. I'm going to try so hard to again find it in my heart to truly have faith again  in the word Ja, Jesus and every prayer I feel was prayed in vain. you owe me nothing and am sorry.

All I asked for was a wink of hope you gave it and then took it away. WHY is all I ask? Why don't you don't to me. Show up? I'm not letting you go until you talk to me, until I feel your very touch and hear your breath on me. TALK TO ME...... Is this Surgery and baby your will for my life. I'm asking for help to stay on the right path why can't you tell me this. Im not trying to fail but your not giving me anything to stand on. Nothing. How does a person stay in your will if you wont even speak to THEM and tell them what that will is? Jesus talk to me. Thank you I love you.

Blessly Confused

So as you may have read I was suppose to have surgery today but God had not made my period come on so they postponed it and guess what? No baby BUT I just started. WOW talk about mixed singled but IM just choosing to love and trust God. Just wanted to give you an update no mircle just yet. God is still good and the best and worth my praise and soul. He has done so much for me and my family in a life time all I can do is love him. Im sad but still love him. Goodnight...So surgery will be next week I have to go through all this all over again.

Everyone else knew

I thought and felt like I was healed when I forgave I really did feel as if I touched the hem of God's garment. Went in to have some blood work before surgey I felt was not going to happen and I was wrong. I had faith bigger than a mustard seed once again and nothing happened. God must see that this is not in his plan and surgery is. I wanted to be spiritually healed not doctored healed. But in the end I still love and trust God Im very sad and feel let down but it is his body and life after all not mine. I just feel fooled because my period didnt come on so it made me think it was a link of hope I feel like t

Fight For Me

Lord I'm calling on you, I'm hanging on you. Im praying and trusting you to be near me. Ja I ask you in the blood that was shed at Cavery to heal my body. I pray and ask Ja to go ahead to fight for me that when I go in to take blood test before the 15 that they call and say we can't do the surgery because Im healed and have a baby inside of me. Lord, Im asking for favor in this. Im asking for this special mircle and love with favor. Lord please I will make you name known. Even if this promise dont come know im still going to trust and love you. I know you made this promise Im just asking for favor in this and asking for twin baby girls healthy. Lord God please keep me in mind. Im asking that by this time next year I will be holding my baby. Please Lord God. thank you in advance. My trust lay in you Jesus dont the doctor please have the last word God when it comes to me having a baby. Thank you. If you bless me with this this month I will know that it was in deed a mircle and your doing. Thank you.