In the was to the doctor today I prayed and talked to Jesus. As I was driving I can feel him in the passanger seat and I just talked to him. Jesus, Please if you can give me just a window of Hope. I don't want to leave the doctor feeling defeated once again. I'm tired of walking out the office crying as if all my hope, desires and body is in his hands. He has the last say so. I am not my own but I don't want to belong to the doctor but to you Jesus. I prayed and asked Jesus to go before me and be the doctor eyes, ears and mind. I made it to the office and am lost within my feelings. As I waited for the doctor to come in I was reading Song of Solaman. Then in comes the doctor he starts in with you have many fiboriods, so you are 33 and have 1 child and want another one right? I say yes and he with no emotinons says ok and shows me, you have so many fiboriods inside and out and I have to go in and remove them with my hand. I was going to start crying my instead a peace came over me and in my head I was like so YOU say. ok so YOU say. I mean Jesus was there and he will have the last say so. I left the office with such peace. God made me a promise and it is his bussiness how he is going to make it happen. If they have to take out my utruis that means God is a man that Lies and in my heart I don't believe for one min that he truly can lie. I believe he means what he say and he is a man that CAN NOT lie, will NOT lie and shall NEVER lie. So with my peace I left feeling my true doctor is Jesus Christ. Surgery will be Dec 15, 2011 and it is what it is. I pray that it's God doing the surgery and that he will guild the doctors hands and in all that his will be done. Am not leaning to my own understanding but on Jesus.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Trusting God
Tomorrow is the day I go to the doctor. The day I feel like my life is in their hands and out mind. I'm not my own my body is the Lord's. But why do I feel like it's the Man's. The man I pay to take this life away. I feel like a kid and all I want to do is crawl in my fathers lap and sleep. Sleep makes everything ok. Laying in his lap make things alright. Jesus the truth is am worried. I worried about what the out come may be. Im so desperatly trying to trust you and lean not unto my own understanding. I don't want my body left up to man to say what my future shall hold. I want to make your name known through this road am on but I feel so lost Lord.
Father, please take me by the hand and lead me to your arms. Never let me go. Keep me near. Draw me closer Lord, I lay all my worry, fear and tears at your feet, you are my every desire, nothing in this world matters or will do, your the only one I want to hear say my name. Lord, your my hearts beat, your my vocie weap, I need you more than you can ever dream. I need you to walk with me. Come in front of me and be the doctors hands, eyes and ears. Father, let your will be done and asking you to allow the fiboriods to be gone. I lay my life in your hands because God am not my own, I am not man's but I am yours and this is your body and I thank you for 33 great years you have allowed me to have this body am sorry I didn't take care of it like I should have in the past but if you could please have mearcy on me and bless me with my Twins.. Father, I 'm trusting in your promise.
Lord, this struggle am going through is all about you and your glory. It's about making your name known. I don't want to walk in front of you, nor the side. I want to step where you have stepped and I want to move in line with your will for my life, please open my eyes to see what you have me to see and need to see. I want to see you in this struggle Lord and I want to see your will for my life. Thank you Lord.
People that is out there reading please keep me in your prayers tomorrow at 11am. PLease and thank you. I trust that prayer changes the out come of things.Lord, Take over......
Father, please take me by the hand and lead me to your arms. Never let me go. Keep me near. Draw me closer Lord, I lay all my worry, fear and tears at your feet, you are my every desire, nothing in this world matters or will do, your the only one I want to hear say my name. Lord, your my hearts beat, your my vocie weap, I need you more than you can ever dream. I need you to walk with me. Come in front of me and be the doctors hands, eyes and ears. Father, let your will be done and asking you to allow the fiboriods to be gone. I lay my life in your hands because God am not my own, I am not man's but I am yours and this is your body and I thank you for 33 great years you have allowed me to have this body am sorry I didn't take care of it like I should have in the past but if you could please have mearcy on me and bless me with my Twins.. Father, I 'm trusting in your promise.
Lord, this struggle am going through is all about you and your glory. It's about making your name known. I don't want to walk in front of you, nor the side. I want to step where you have stepped and I want to move in line with your will for my life, please open my eyes to see what you have me to see and need to see. I want to see you in this struggle Lord and I want to see your will for my life. Thank you Lord.
People that is out there reading please keep me in your prayers tomorrow at 11am. PLease and thank you. I trust that prayer changes the out come of things.Lord, Take over......
Friday, October 21, 2011
Place for a Miracle
I was not going to post today but on my way to bed the Lord lead me to my blogger and I saw a comment from what I call a online Angel. I have never met her but she comments on my page a couple times but anyway she is my online Angel. The Lord lead me to my blogger and had my Angel leave ne the sweetest comment and the right words. Words that reached way down in my low place and pull me up, her words were that: desperate situations make us perfect candidates for a miracle...so it sounds like you are just around the corner from your miracle. I'm so going to wait in this storm for my miracle and I also want to tell her again that am so happy for her and her family she just found out she just got her miracle and that is what is all about. She was giving my strength to hold on to Good's promise and through all this God's name will be made Known. That you Jesus for leading my Angel to my page and blessing her with her new baby. thank you for allowing me to be blessed by her Miracle and Lord, am waiting in mine. Please people keep me in prayer as I go to the doctor Monday. goodnight
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
feeling left out
So if you have been following me on this road you know some of my struggles. Well they have only gotten worse. However, I am still leaning on God's promise. I know I know you people must think am a fool for still waiting on God but you have to know thats all I can count on and trust. It's hard but God is who I trust in. I know am sure I can go to the doctor and do this and that but my babies I want to be blessed. Yes, all babies come from God but I feel God is telling me to wait on him and here I am. Waiting.
Let me catch you up on why am feeling left out. I have been praying and asking God what ever you are doing don't do it without me. I asked him if he is in baby blessing mood, dont do it without me and well I just feel like he has blessed and sis it with out me. Everyone I do mean everyone that I work with that has been seeking and desiring a baby is prego. One lady is prego with , yep you guessed it TWINS. Yes, thats what I have been desiring and he blessed someone else with them. I try my hardest to be happy for her because I am and I like her and in my heart am happy for her but my heart also feel betrated by God. How can I keep trusting in someone who makes me feel left out? well because he has blessed my life in so many other ways and he is a on time God and knows how much we can handle. I want twins but what I want more out of having twins is to bless someone with this story of mind so I know this walk , this journey is not going to be cake but I didn't know it was going to be this painful.
I have hit yet another wall. Went to the doctor and he said I have multiple fibeorode however you spell it. Im sad and crushed. God must think am strong than I see my self because I feel like I can't take any more bad news or another month of having a period and negative test. I want to hear from God, I want to fel his very touch and I hope that he will just give me a half of once that there is hope in me having another baby. I want him to give me a once of hearing from in related to having a child but I want to know it's right from God and not because someone told me he said this or that.
Lord,
My heart is sad, I feel like you have left me out in your blessing. you know my heart better than anyone. I want to trust you and have faith in you that your going to bless me with a baby but things look grey and I want to see the end through your eyes and not my own. I want to know your truth Lord. Help, me make your name known and your will be done but Lord can you please make this Journey a little easier. I have no fight left in me. I want to be happy for my co-workers and I am. but it's getting really hard. Help me Lord. I love you and trully need a huge dose of new Faith. Thank you.
Let me catch you up on why am feeling left out. I have been praying and asking God what ever you are doing don't do it without me. I asked him if he is in baby blessing mood, dont do it without me and well I just feel like he has blessed and sis it with out me. Everyone I do mean everyone that I work with that has been seeking and desiring a baby is prego. One lady is prego with , yep you guessed it TWINS. Yes, thats what I have been desiring and he blessed someone else with them. I try my hardest to be happy for her because I am and I like her and in my heart am happy for her but my heart also feel betrated by God. How can I keep trusting in someone who makes me feel left out? well because he has blessed my life in so many other ways and he is a on time God and knows how much we can handle. I want twins but what I want more out of having twins is to bless someone with this story of mind so I know this walk , this journey is not going to be cake but I didn't know it was going to be this painful.
I have hit yet another wall. Went to the doctor and he said I have multiple fibeorode however you spell it. Im sad and crushed. God must think am strong than I see my self because I feel like I can't take any more bad news or another month of having a period and negative test. I want to hear from God, I want to fel his very touch and I hope that he will just give me a half of once that there is hope in me having another baby. I want him to give me a once of hearing from in related to having a child but I want to know it's right from God and not because someone told me he said this or that.
Lord,
My heart is sad, I feel like you have left me out in your blessing. you know my heart better than anyone. I want to trust you and have faith in you that your going to bless me with a baby but things look grey and I want to see the end through your eyes and not my own. I want to know your truth Lord. Help, me make your name known and your will be done but Lord can you please make this Journey a little easier. I have no fight left in me. I want to be happy for my co-workers and I am. but it's getting really hard. Help me Lord. I love you and trully need a huge dose of new Faith. Thank you.
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