My dream

So Emma Grace I was thinking if I had it my way and I was married to some one younger I would have you and 2 other girls. And name yall :      
                                                                            Emma Grace
                                                                            Brooklyn Hope
                                                                           Claire Faith
and then when y'all turn 2 I would birth y'all a brother and I would name him John David I think am not sure i have to think about that but having 3 babies at once would only be a test from God for my patients cause I don't think you can have triplets without meds so that would never happen, it's just a dream of mine. WOW I wish I could live this dream I love been a mom and I know that id enjoy been yalls mommy as well but that's not the life I choose back in heaven so I guess I have to live out this in my dream and I hope to meet you there every night and I love you. I'm not sure if this is crazy that am writing to my dream daughter but it helps, cause I asked God to take the desire away cause the pain is to great to desire you so much and not be blessed with you and your sisters. god has his own plans for my life and nothing is better than his plan I just don't get this faith thing at all I pray that God teach me faith, hope and grace more so out of the 3 love. How to love my life just the way it is, have faith that God will bless it, have hope that am in his will and ask him to have grace over it all my mind dreams and desires.

Eyes don't lie.

There are so much pain in my heart and in my soul. I lay it all down at the feet of Jesus. Father God this desire of having more babies lays heavy on my heart and it makes it even harder when David tells me that he desires the same as I do but act and tell everyone else some that is no where near of what he tells me. God this cant be it for my life it has to be more tell me I married the wrong man because we want two different things even spiritually lord, I desire been a youth leader and becoming a youth pastor David just desire been in Sis.Holmes eyes and class nothing more . I don't know if anymore but I do know how he acts when it comes toward her.I'M done Lord I want more I should of stayed single and found a man in Christ gospel Church I wish and pray I should of waited maybe that's the issue this marriage is not blessed,

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Dear God

Im angry as you know another month of disappointment about Emmagrace. Father why cant you bless me with her? I know david doesnt feel the same way about having another baby but carry another life becoming a mommy to Emmagrace is a true desire of my mine. father you know my heart you said you knew me even before I was concevied so that means you know Emmagrace and you know how much I would love and care for her. God you said Test you, And I have I think my faith has been was more than a mustard seed and I have asked but only recived disappointment month after month and lots of tears. If it is not your will for me to become a mom again please take the desire away lord cause I can't take the disappointment again more so after I lean on faith in you about it like I have only NOT to have my prayers answered I still love you and belive you are Just and fair however father the pain of not becoming a mom month after month is a pain I can't bare. Lord please spare me the pain father please. I need you to hear me Lord. Thank you Jesus and I love you but if it's not only your will but desire for me to become Emmagraces mom I want to thank you in advance for her and I give her right back to you please teach me day by day how you want me to be her mom and I want to end this letter to Thank you with my whold heart for the wonderful Son Ponta you have blessed me with. I love him and I ask you to help me be a better mom to him. your are holy Lord and I love you so much thank you for your life and I ask you for this desires of mind to go away or come to life. your daughter Shanta If im out of order for anything I said please forgive me.Teach me how to talk to you in a respectful way.

Dear Emmagrace

You are all I can think about, some days I just want to lay and bed and let life pass by without me because I can't have you. The one thing I desire most is something your would be dad runs from the most. I ask my self all the time is this the will of God. For me to be your mommy or Davids wife because it doesnt seem life the two would ever go together. The one gift I prayed for this season was you and all I got was the pain of the monthly flower and I hated to wakeup, I know I cant just end my life because your Brother and I love him, I love being a mom all these years before your brother the one thing I never wanted to be was a mom but once I met him all I desire is to become your mom as well and I breaks my heart month after month that I get the sight of red and what makes me even more sad is that I think the age between your would be Dad really is a issue, he has 3 daughter he has been through all that so it's nothing to him he can go on with life and be fine with never becoming a dad again but I can't say the same. I have held one to something I read in the Bible, all we need is to have faith as a mustard seed and ask also We have not because we ask not well I have had faith and I have asked and the reason I think God keep saying no is because God knows both your would be parents dont desire you so this is where am more confused. What do i do with my life I desire you so much it hurts my heart. I even at one time felt like God was not a man of his word and I HATE feeling like that when in fact he is a man of his word, its your would be dads desires and actions and i just cant live like this anymore Im sad all the time in face am depressed over this of not having you in my life. Emmagrace I desire you.

Emmagrace

Once again another month with a negtive. Have I made a wrong choice in marry him. I love him with my whole herat but the one thing I desire he has done 3 times already. I think the reason behind God not allowing this to come about his because he is not a man of cufusion and he knows David dont feel the same about me wanting emmagrace. Its sad the one thing I desire for this Christmas gift was to get a postive and to find out that I will be having a baby in 9mons but no. This season am sad, i want it to pass i dont want to open anything under the tree. Im sad and tears fail from my eyes at the sight of blood and the pain of the onthly flower, its no flower to me its more of a storm something I hate to feel coming every month. Could it be that age truly do matter when it comes to dreams and desires? I can't sleep at night cause becoming a mommy is the only thing on my mind having something that is a part if me and my husband is something I dream about all the time. I want a child by you, I see you in my dreams, you make me happy, your voice makes everything ok are all words a girl would be thrilled to hear the only issue with me is that I heard all this from someone not my husband and it could be that we are friends and Im not friends with my husband I dont even think sometime we like each other, I think we are older and use to each other being around but none of our dreams match up and that makes me sad I have to talk to david but I know this is going to cause a huge fight and Im not in the mood to fight we fight enough on our daily life together than to add something to this fire, I think if we are truthful with each other our marrige would be over. Im sad and I want and desire a baby. My one desire my husband does not one and cant give me, I wish things were diffrent but Im here and we are married and he has diffrent dreams than I do and thats fact, what do I do from here how can I go on? Should I love myself enough to tell him that i dont think we will work because of the facts? Lets be real we want two diffrent things in life and I have been telling him this forever. we need to see someone cause my feeling needs to come out as well as his. Im sad for him and Im sad for me because we have wasted 5 years we could of been building with that right person but it's our fault this is stuff we should of talked about before the  I dos but this is what we are dealt with and we need to stop holding on so we can move on no more wasted time. it's not right I want you Emma and he wants to livin the woods poor no family and be able to cheat he is so hard to love thats why he has issue been faithful and Im no longer going to waste my years I want a family I want to travel I want a christian family who loves God and puts him frist but thats not your issue so any ways I love you.