Trust the Lord, lean not to my understanding

Dear Jesus,

This is harder to do than to say. Im so sad and feel let down by you God. I know what your thinking because am thinking the same thing. How dare I think a thought like that after all that you have done for me. Well, I don't know how I could but this is how Im feeling and trust me Lord am not happy with my thoughts but like your the Head over my life you also control my thoughts and this feeling that I have make me just want to die.

So any ways not only am I confused on why you would not make my period come on Monday the 14th so l that I could have surgery then but not only did you make me feel tricked but I will not be in the bed for Christmas. No baby and can't spend the day with family and I so bitter about this.

I have trusted you, had faith and trusted you. I had called and prayed every single way that I know how, I even reached out for prayer and strength to help me have faith. I also have heard you dont go on time so this pain is nothing to you been what you went through for me and my sins so even though I feel lost, sad and let donwn from yet another man. I still choose you, love you, have faith d trust you. I'm going to try so hard to again find it in my heart to truly have faith again  in the word Ja, Jesus and every prayer I feel was prayed in vain. you owe me nothing and am sorry.

All I asked for was a wink of hope you gave it and then took it away. WHY is all I ask? Why don't you don't to me. Show up? I'm not letting you go until you talk to me, until I feel your very touch and hear your breath on me. TALK TO ME...... Is this Surgery and baby your will for my life. I'm asking for help to stay on the right path why can't you tell me this. Im not trying to fail but your not giving me anything to stand on. Nothing. How does a person stay in your will if you wont even speak to THEM and tell them what that will is? Jesus talk to me. Thank you I love you.

Blessly Confused

So as you may have read I was suppose to have surgery today but God had not made my period come on so they postponed it and guess what? No baby BUT I just started. WOW talk about mixed singled but IM just choosing to love and trust God. Just wanted to give you an update no mircle just yet. God is still good and the best and worth my praise and soul. He has done so much for me and my family in a life time all I can do is love him. Im sad but still love him. Goodnight...So surgery will be next week I have to go through all this all over again.

Everyone else knew

I thought and felt like I was healed when I forgave I really did feel as if I touched the hem of God's garment. Went in to have some blood work before surgey I felt was not going to happen and I was wrong. I had faith bigger than a mustard seed once again and nothing happened. God must see that this is not in his plan and surgery is. I wanted to be spiritually healed not doctored healed. But in the end I still love and trust God Im very sad and feel let down but it is his body and life after all not mine. I just feel fooled because my period didnt come on so it made me think it was a link of hope I feel like t

Fight For Me

Lord I'm calling on you, I'm hanging on you. Im praying and trusting you to be near me. Ja I ask you in the blood that was shed at Cavery to heal my body. I pray and ask Ja to go ahead to fight for me that when I go in to take blood test before the 15 that they call and say we can't do the surgery because Im healed and have a baby inside of me. Lord, Im asking for favor in this. Im asking for this special mircle and love with favor. Lord please I will make you name known. Even if this promise dont come know im still going to trust and love you. I know you made this promise Im just asking for favor in this and asking for twin baby girls healthy. Lord God please keep me in mind. Im asking that by this time next year I will be holding my baby. Please Lord God. thank you in advance. My trust lay in you Jesus dont the doctor please have the last word God when it comes to me having a baby. Thank you. If you bless me with this this month I will know that it was in deed a mircle and your doing. Thank you.

Dec 15, 2011

In the was to the doctor today I prayed and talked to Jesus. As I was driving I can feel him in the passanger seat and I just talked to him. Jesus, Please if you can give me just a window of Hope. I don't want to leave  the doctor feeling defeated once again. I'm tired of walking out the office crying as if all my hope, desires and body is in his hands. He has the last say so. I am not my own but I don't want to belong to the doctor but to you Jesus. I prayed and asked Jesus to go before me and be the doctor eyes, ears and mind. I made it to the office and am lost within my feelings. As I waited for the doctor to come in I was reading Song of Solaman. Then  in comes the doctor he starts in with you have many fiboriods, so you are 33 and have 1 child and want another one right? I say yes and he with no emotinons says ok and shows me, you have so many fiboriods inside and out and I have to go in and remove them with my hand. I was going to start crying my instead a peace came over me and in my head I was like so YOU say. ok so YOU say. I mean Jesus was there and he will have the last say so. I left the office with such peace. God made me a promise and it is his bussiness how he is going to make it happen. If they have to take out my utruis that means God is a man that Lies and in my heart I don't believe for one min that he truly can lie. I believe he means what he say and he is a man that CAN NOT lie, will NOT lie and shall NEVER lie. So with my peace I left feeling my true doctor is Jesus Christ. Surgery will be Dec 15, 2011 and it is what it is. I pray that it's God doing the surgery and that he will guild the doctors hands and in all that his will be done. Am not leaning to my own understanding but on Jesus.

Trusting God

Tomorrow is the day I go to the doctor. The day I feel like my life is in their hands and out mind. I'm not my own my body is the Lord's. But why do I feel like it's the Man's. The man I pay to take this life away. I feel like a kid and all I want to do is crawl in my fathers lap and sleep. Sleep makes everything ok. Laying in his lap make things alright. Jesus the truth is am worried. I worried about what the out come may be. Im so desperatly trying to trust you and lean not unto my own understanding. I don't want my body left up to man to say what my future shall hold. I want to make your name known through this road am on but I feel so lost Lord.
Father, please take me by the hand and lead me to your arms. Never let me go. Keep me near. Draw me closer Lord, I lay all my worry, fear and tears at your feet, you are my every desire, nothing in this world matters or will do, your the only one I want to hear say my name. Lord, your my hearts beat, your my vocie weap, I need you more than you can ever dream. I need you to walk with me. Come in front of me and be the doctors hands, eyes and ears. Father, let your will be done and asking you to allow the fiboriods to be gone. I lay my life in your hands because God am not my own, I am not man's but I am yours and this is your body and I thank you for 33 great years you have allowed me to have this body am sorry I didn't take care of it like I should have in the past but if you could please have mearcy on me and bless me with my Twins.. Father, I 'm trusting in your promise.
Lord, this struggle am going through is all about you and your glory. It's about making your name known. I don't want to walk in front of you, nor the side. I want to step where you have stepped and I want to move in line with your will for my life, please open my eyes to see what you have me to see and need to see. I want to see you in this struggle Lord and I want to see your will for my life. Thank you Lord.
People that is out there reading please keep me in your prayers tomorrow at 11am. PLease and thank you. I trust that prayer changes the out come of things.Lord, Take over......

Place for a Miracle

I was not going to post today but on my way to bed the Lord lead me to my blogger and I saw a comment from what I call a online Angel. I have never met her but she comments on my page a couple times but anyway she is my online Angel. The Lord lead me to my blogger and had my Angel leave ne the sweetest comment and the right words. Words that reached way down in my low place and pull me up, her words were that: desperate situations make us perfect candidates for a miracle...so it sounds like you are just around the corner from your miracle. I'm so going to wait in this storm for my miracle and I also want to tell her again that am so happy for her and her family she just found out she just got her miracle and that is what is all about. She was giving my strength to hold on to Good's promise and through all this God's name will be made Known. That you Jesus for leading my Angel to my page and blessing her with her new baby. thank you for allowing me to be blessed by her Miracle and Lord, am waiting in mine. Please people keep me in prayer as I go to the doctor Monday. goodnight

feeling left out

So if you have been following me on this road you know some of my struggles. Well they have only gotten worse. However, I am still leaning on God's promise. I know I know you people must think am a fool for still waiting on God but you  have to know thats all I can count on and trust. It's hard but God is who I trust in. I know am sure I can go to the doctor and do this and that but my babies I want to be blessed. Yes, all babies come from God but I feel God is telling me to wait on him and here I am. Waiting.
Let me catch you up on why am feeling left out. I have been praying and asking God what ever you are doing don't do it without me. I asked him if he is in baby blessing mood, dont do it without me and well I just feel like he has blessed and sis it with out me. Everyone I do mean everyone that I work with that has been seeking and desiring a baby is prego. One lady is prego with , yep you guessed it TWINS. Yes, thats what I have been desiring and he blessed someone else with them. I try my hardest to be happy for her because I am and I like her and in my heart am happy for her but my heart also feel betrated by God. How can I keep trusting in someone who makes me feel left out? well because he has blessed my life in so many other ways and he is a on time God and knows how much we can handle. I want twins but what I want more out of having twins is to bless someone with this story of mind so I know this walk , this journey is not going to be cake but I didn't know it was going to be this painful.
I have hit yet another wall. Went to the doctor and he said I have multiple fibeorode however you spell it. Im sad and crushed. God must think am strong than I see my self because I feel like I can't take any more bad news or another month of having a period and negative test. I want to hear from God, I want to fel his very touch and I hope that he will just give me a half of once that there is hope in me having another baby. I want him to give me a once of hearing from in related to having a child but I want to know it's right from God and not because someone told me he said this or that.
Lord,
My heart is sad, I feel like you have left me out in your blessing. you know my heart better than anyone. I want to trust you and have faith in you that your going to bless me with a baby but things look grey and I want to see the end through your eyes and not my own. I want to know your truth Lord. Help, me make your name known and your will be done but Lord can you please make this Journey a little easier. I have no fight left in me. I want to be happy for my co-workers and I am. but it's getting really hard. Help me Lord. I love you and trully need a huge dose of new Faith. Thank you.

Broken

I have been pushed to my broken point, and dragged to my knees. My heart was over taken by pain to never be mended. I yelled out to deaf ears, reached out to feel no touch. The promise I held on to so tight has been loosen by the needle of bad news. You have fibroids on your uterus and we have to have surgery to remove them. You may never carry a baby is all Iheard.It hit me like thunder hit my ears. I heard my future come undone in the matter of seconds. Something was taken over my mind. My heart was out of control with emotions. I needed to run, run fast and the place of comfort was prayer. The brotherhood that was built of Woman of  Word and Men of God.  Sis. Moore has the touch to sooth my ache. Sis. Butler has the voice to chase any dought away, Sis. Mills has the mind to make peace; Bro. Moore has the words to make a heart mend. Together they were the strength from God that I needed. But I couldn’t get to them yet. I was alone, cold and forgotten. I felt lied to and pushed to the wall. I was alone and there was only one person held responsible for my pain.

I took all my hurt, pain, and lost thoughts to him. I cried out. Father, you are just, you’re fair, you’re righteous, but I feel hurt, lied to, forgotten, lost and my heart is sad. I need you; I need to feel from you today. I need to feel your very touch. I need to hear your very voice. I asked you to take the desire of having a baby away if it’s not in your will. And you didn’t. Why not? Why did you let this desire become so great? I cried like never before and I still felt like God didn’t hear me, he didn’t care or wonder how this made me feel. The news of my future was to much for me to carry for a min more less hours. But I guess I’m not as strong as he knows that I am. He knew what I was going to face even days before. I just didn’t see it, I didn’t hear his voice. My son football team was loosing and he didn’t get a lot of touchdowns so I thought he was going to be upset but when he got in the car and spoke on his faith in God for his TEAM to win I was taken back by his spirit maturity, then a little 6 year old faith in baby Jesus to make it rain. Faith from babies.

God was not done with me. As I pulled into Sis. Moore house I didn’t have strenghth to even make to her front door and It took everything left in me to hold back the tears. God must have picked me up and carried me in because I didn’t feel my own legs until I stood up and cried in the bosom of Sis. Moore. I  had told her the news and her hug was just enough to give me strength to sit up at the table and study Gods’ word. I had no idea what all God had in storage. I still felt like he forgot about me and he didn’t hear my cry. As the night went on min by min I was proven wrong in every way. Sis.Moore was sharing Byrans testimony of feeling lost and alone and forgotten by Christ. He spoke about his lack of faith and as she read his words my heart grew closer to Jesus. The more I heard the more I knew she must be talking about my heart. His words were like my own. At the end of his letter it was as if I was right in unity with him and at the same time we both surrendered. I couldn’t go another moment feeling the way that I was and I was out of options. The very person I felt forgotten by was the very person I wanted to feel his touch.

One fold was not good enough for God because not only did  he hear my cry but as Sis. Butler spoke just out, and not knowing anything I went through that day, she said when she came to the door She felt as if I was pregnant and I broke. Frist God mended my broken heart as he  held me through Sis. Moore’s touch. Showed me my error so I was able to fix it by surrendering all over again through Bryans testimony. Then the father  was going to address his promise, he was going to promise me once again. Telling me he is a Man that can not , will not and shall not lie.Through Bro. Greg as he read God’s word. You would think the father was done but  he was far from it. He heard my cry, felt my heart break and understood my pain. But showed me he is the head of my future, he gives life not take it away. He is who he said he is. My promise is mine and never to be taken away from Satan again. My Jesus is my Future and satan can never, will never and shall never control him.  My God is my life and he is the head of my future babies. I will have life growing inside me SOON and God’s name will be, shall be known through this. God is who he says he is. I’m grateful for the people he put in my life.

Faith Tested

OK Im back and I have to say God is truly testing me. I know that for a fact that I'm not going to get prego this month one because I can feel my period come in second I didnt ovulate this month at all and David and I had sex for the frist time in  almost 3 months. Due to a HUGE disagreement. Lord, I feel so lied to and forgotten about.  Because I asked months ago if it was in your will for me to have more kids, ( After all you can make and do the impossiable possiable) then send me a strong word and sign from you but if it's not in your will them remove the deisre from me. Knowing you and beliving in your word, I trusted you when your word says that all we have to do is have faith as a Mustard seed and we can move a mountain. My mountain was this strong desire of wanting Twin girls, A baby... But in a few short weeks if not days you sent a woman telling me everything I wanted and needed to hear from you. She said Sep and here it is at the end of the month and Father no Baby in my belly no sign of prego. 14 days from Sep been over. I thought this was the month. Its so sad and hard for me to be happy with two other woman who have been on this same Mountain with me and yet it seem there faith has moved theres and one twice as mouch. Both woman where blessed with baby. one with Twins. My heart is Sad Lord and I know you know that but I wanted to write and tell you thanks for the sign of faith from my Son, Mrs. Heights granddaughter. YOu knew the news I was going to be faced with today and was ready... I love you and trust you and my faith in my Twin Girls Madiason and Morgan is still alive and IM so ready to move this Mountain. Im next in line for my Mirecials. Im ready. It's my turn. Lord in this season of giving twin Lifes please dont do it with out me. I want to get in on this blessing. I speak the Kobold glorly love Blood on my Madison and Morgan. Thank you.

putting it off.

So, David and I talked shortly about having a baby and we came to agree to disagree. I told him that it was a deal breaker and he told me that we don't need to have a baby if I don't pick up after my self. My thought to that is that I had given up so much. He and my x- friend Christy ruined my wedding, the wedding I moved back two times for his daughter who didn't even bother to show up, and then Daivd let Cristy touch  his butt and then the both of them lied about it, I never have gottem a honey moon, no dates ect and now he wants me to give up having a baby. NOPE sorry thats a deal breaker for me and I told him that we need to do something. I think it will be best for us to end this marriage because there is not use to hold each other back from living and moving on with our life. I want a family he does not. I also told him that if God's promise is not fullfillled by this Sep then am going to be talking to the doctors about other ways to have a baby and I have a friend who is willing to go half in with me, in other words donate his swimmers.
He really wants kids without the drama of a wife as he says. So I think we can help each other it's sad that I wont be having a baby with my husband well at that point he wont be my husband but it's sad we have to end this marriage on and around kids but I think it's worth it. I truly desire a baby and am not giving that up alone with every other thing I have asked David for that has been put on the back burner. Iam tired of been told no not yet, wait, hold on in other words put on the back burner like am just a girl friend.
Well, am not really that sad because wether it be with David or with someone else God did make a promise and He does know the desires of my heart and he still a man of his word so am still in good faith with out my husbands support. and that os ok with me it is what it is. Madison and Morgan am not sure who your dad is going to be but just know that I love you and Jesus loves you thats all that matters.

Even Still

Yes, faith is something am still holding on to for my twin girls. It was cute we went out to eat with the Lunkins and I was teasing Kayle about been our girls Church Nanny and am sure she would not mind at all. Besides we have a whole group of youth that will love to help. SO at church we have a lot of support and if things go to Gods plan and I get prego in Sep I will have the girls in June so am off two months with them, even if I don’t get prego in Sep but find out am prego in Sep like for example if am prego now as we speak even though I cant almost swear that am not but IF big if I am I would have them in April and then be off work for 6 weeks summer would start after I get off of leave so I will be home so that’s why am really praying and having faith that this season will be the one I get prego in. I can’t wait to make God’s name known about this. Man it’s going to be a miracle because how man I can’t explain in words really. Like when I find out in Sep am going to be over joyed like I know that he can do it, I believe that he will do it, but the thought of him proving him self that he is a man of his word, and that he truly did speak through Alexis is almost to much to handle like what do you say. Like this is nothing but faith really it is and there is no way around. When I share this with people they can’t talk me into believing it was David and I and God had nothing to do with it, they can’t make me believe that this was just timing that God really didn’t speak through her, They can’t EVER tell me God is not a man of his word cause am going to have proof. I know the prayer I prayed, I know what I was told God told her to tell me, I know the scripture and now I have two girls growing inside me, You Explain the reason behind it, can you really find a reason out side of God. I didn’t take any meds. No doctors made my eggs change NOTHING but faith so God is the reason and I can’t wait to make his name known, Am going to tell everyone just like we suppose to be sharing his name now. Everyone in the doc office is going to know it’s God, everyone at work is going to know it’s God, you know how people can’t help but touch a woman's belly everyone asking to touch is going to get the story. Can I touch your belly? Sure, it’s a miracle I got prego with lots of faith. Yes sex with my husband but I have been having sex with him without faith for four years and a year with faith here we are and with twins that’s what I prayed for. People will ask and I will tell them:

Psalms 7:4 “…And He shall give you the desires of your heart”.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” (Hebrew 11:1).

Father, I come to you with my heart of faith about Madison and Morgan, I know that you are a Man of your word and I know your power to make all things happen you are the only who that can give life and I thank you and praise you for our twins and my heart is over Joyed. If you decided not to honor Sep giving me twins please PLEASE keep my faith, attitude in check let me not stop believing cause am sure you will have a reason not to bless me with Twins and I thank you but you did promise me its in your will for me to have more babies so please be a man of your word on that, am just asking for Twins cause your word said you will give us the desires of our heart and you know my heart, so thank you, I love you...Also Lord, please give Rev.Hicks strength Lord and let us all be blessed this convention let your spirit fall on all the Youth and I really lift up Davinte Lord please touch his body, mind and Soul Lord please. Father God touch his heart Lord Break him father break him down, In Jesus name.

Others understanding

Father God am not understanding why when I speak of the teens some people who know you and have them self trusted and had great faith in you for something great act like am speaking out my head when I speak about the twins as if they are already? You said speak things into sight pre say. and with believers I have and am getting a block from them Lord I have to say it makes me said and I know its trick from the devil to try and get me to stop having faith in you but I can't so that you said your self you are a man that can not lie, could never sin and have never sinned so with that been said and a fact I have to have faith in when you said all I need is the size of a Mustard seed and Psalms 7:4 "………And He shall give you the desires of your heart". To me there is no way around that but to have faith in it because I believe in you, I trust that you love me, there for know me very well even before I was in my mothers womb, I have seen you work in others life, even this week with Tisha, I have seen you work in my life with Gene's Mother, So all in all I know you desire to give me the desires of my heart and my hearts desires are to get prego in July find out in Sep with Twin girls Madison and Morgan and they are born very healthy even if they have to come early let them be miracles and come back home with me to our home house Sunset Trail the same day I leave the hospital. In Jesus name amen.
 Madison and Morgan I can't wait to meet you

7-7-2011

So, David and I made love today and I know this may sound crazy to must but when you trulyy believe in God this is some of the things you do. As we made love I prayed and cover my womb, David sperm, my tubes, my eggs, the two Embryo's Madison and Morgan. prayed over every action it takes for my twins to get in my belly ASAP. I prayed and covered the travel the girls have to take. I prayed that my One egg is release but splits in two, for my sweet Identical twins. Yes, I enjoyed being with David did you know it's even better if you cover even the act of having sex with your spouse in the blood of Jesus? Yea, it is, it's so sweet and when the Doctor tells me am pregnate I can look back through my faith and prayer and say I got this way by the blood of Jesus and his word is soild. He is trully a man of his word.

Hebrew 11:1: My Faith

In the Bible Hebrew 11:1 it says, ...Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see: Now reading that am holding on tight to God's word, God says he is truth and the word his truth so with that, ok Jesus told us He was the truth. John 14:6-7, Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. KJV  Jesus is the truth.  Jesus is the living Word of God. What Jesus has told us is the truth. If he is the word and the word is truth then what I read in the Bible is TRUTH right? ok, so with that fact in Line Jesus you said to me that if I have faith as a Mustard Seed, ok so my faith is so much greater than that and am trusting that you sent that young lady after I asked you to take the thought away or give me a word from you and you sent me a word meaning that it's in your will for me to have another baby and the word you sent was Sep not sure if thats this Sep but I hope so and I am also leaning on the scripture you said in Psalms 7:4 "………And He shall give you the desires of your heart" and Lord, my desires in my heart well you know my heart and my feeling but let me tell you what they are. My desire concerning having more babies is to get prego in July and find out in Aug and Tell everyone in Sep. My desire is to get prego with Madison and Morgan healthy baby Identical twin girls. let them be a blessing to everyone they meet. Let them live. Father my desire is this. Please allow this to come to pass, you said you are a man of your word and am counting on that to be the truth that you say you are. You said you are truth please stand farm to your word. I love you and believe this is truly going to happen.So in advance I want to say thank you.

Psalms 7:4

" And He shall give you the desires of your heart"

My desires are to have twin girls, Madison and Morgan. I was reading some Testimony from a another sight about twins and one family who have been trying for 5 years put it all in Gods hands and by grace and faith they got prego. NO Meds or help from Doctors and when they found out they gave God praise and thanks but what they didn't know was how much God had given them. At one of there doctors Appt they got a ultrasound and the doctor heard two heart beats. Could it be? Yes, It was twins. There story touched my heart and gave me more hope. Before I went to bed last night I wrote a letter to God about the desires in mt heart to have twins girls. I even wrote Madison and Morgan' s names down. 

As I layed in bed I kneed down and said my prayers, asking repenting and asking God to teach me how to love and forgive I asked God again for my twin girls. I know that I have been asking alot for twin girls but I believe in my heart that if God can bless one family with twins , the desire of her heart then I know that he loves me just the same he has not higher love from another person. SO again father I come to you asking you to see the desires of my heart to get prego with Madison and Morgan this Sep, let them be born healthy I know that twins come early but allow me to carry them full term or at lease allow them to be healthy and let them get to come home with me. Lord I know that you hear my prayer. Psalms 7: 4 You know the desire of my heart.

Panic Attacks

Ok, so I know that I just wrote a blog about how much am looking forward to my twin girls and that I’m truly faithing it, well I hate to say that I am very stressed about this. Ok, here is the truth. I’m feeling stressed about this. I’m feeling what if God really do stand on his word and bless me with even one baby? What is he stand by his word when he said we have not because we ask not, and if we had faith of a mustard seed we can move a mountain, So me having faith in having twins is simple, right? What if he honors that. What am saying is am scared if he blesses and I'm freaking out if he don’t either way the thought is making me stress, but am leaning more into him really blessing and giving me Madison and Morgan. I have to take what I said back it’s not stressed that am feeling it’s nervous. I’m nervous about the what if. Like, am thinking if it really happens and am laying on the bed and the doctor says , OK are you ready to find out what your having? and then what if I say yes, then the doc ask me what I think it is and then I tell her I think it's twin girls and then she looks at me in shock and ask how in the word did I know that? What am I to say? I want to make God's name known and use this as a testimony so how do I reply to that? or on the other end of it, what if he don't bless me at all with a baby in Sep? how do I explain that to my heart, and head. How then will David look at me or I don't know. How do I get passed it. Or what if God get funny and say ok you want babies and then give me 4? What ever the outcome is I know that if no baby I will be pissed at God and I will tell him how mad I am, but I still will love him, worship him and believe in him because he has done SO SO much for me. You can find alot of my testimonies in my otherr blogs about my spiritual Walk. But just to give u a idea. I could be dead or God could of called my number up before I got my life right with him, What I called, he could of killed me in the mix of my sin and I would of died and never had the chance to repent and live right. I have the best Son in the world, God could of not given me a child at all or taken my ponta from me, I have a Job, family, I could of been born with a different kind a family in and out of foster care, i dope house many things. Anyways, God has done enough for me. It will be hard to trust him after but I will get there because I have no choice in the manner, he is who he is and I love him with my whole heart.

Just a thought

So last night I was watching things on YouTube and I found my self thinking maybe I want triplets and then as the night went on I said to my self, no I think I just want Madison and Morgan. Not that I don't think God can do that but I just feel like am really having twins soo. Im not prego yet but I'm trusting and faithing God in his promise and I pray that he just double it by giving me Madison and Morgan at the same time and I want to have   identical twins and I would love for them to be really really identical and have a special bond and come out loving like God loves. I pray that they live there life to live for Jesus.
Have you ever put so much trust and faith in something and someone? Well, you know how they say dont put all your eggs in one bag? well, I have done that and more I not only put all my trust, faith in Jesus that in Sep I will find out that am prego but I have laied my heart right at his feet and am just praying he don't step in it but pick it up. steppin on it would be me not been prego and yes I will still love and believe in him and trust but I will be hurt but just like I have gotten over others hurting me I will get over him breaking my heart because i know in the end his love for me is something greater.
My desire to be Madison and Morgan is nothing as great as the love Jesus has for me, and that people is a fact. If you knew my heart and knew how much having these healthy twins mean to me then you will be able to see the level of Love God has for me because my sedire is great and out of this world to picture something greater like the love of Christ is unbearable. It's magical. From the Father Jesus Christ, son of God, the Head of my life. So today people my faith in having twin girls Madison and Morgan is high.

June 26, 2011

Today am feeling sad and am not sure why. Maybe am just not feeling good feeling alittle sick, but nothing is hurting really. Werid I think. I did just come off my period but I don't ever remember me feeling this down when I do come off. I do remember this sad feeling every time I started my period because it was always a reminder of this month Iam not prego, so am not having a baby yet and that made me sad. But you know what is diffrent about this now. It's because I asked God if it's in his will then let it be so and iif it's not then take the thought away from me. Well he didnt take the thought away NO, in fact he made a promise and am waiting on it to come to pass. I'am so excited and it was his word that is bond and is true.

Deal Breaker

Father,
     Lord, how can this be. After I asked you for something solid, something real you then sent me what I feel and thought was a word from you. How else could this young lady know those things of me. Surely Sis. Lunkin is not playing a Joke or trying to be dis honest. So with that been said surly this was a true word from you and now that I feel in my heart that it was and is to come.How? How will it to come in Sep when David still get all botheared by it. Father, having Morgan and Madison is so deer to my heart, you know that right? My husband is still having issue about it. First he and I agreed and then 18 year old child came and changed his mind and he let her because he miss so much of her life she thinks we shouldn't have kids and he agree but would never tell me his true feeling about it because he knows he agreed with me and know he let her change his mind. Father this is a deal breaker. If David can't get back on the wagon with me on this then we should no longer be married. Jesus it was you that said,
“Is it lawful for a MAN to divorce...” (Matthew 19:3).
“Therefore what God has joined together, let no MAN put asunder [ apart ]” (Matthew 19:6b).
Father, he has allowed another asunder and his daughter is it so father I know you said it is unlawful for us to divorce unless cheating, but cheating can also be a man or woman putting someone above there spouse right? So with this can I leave because I want to be married to someone that is will and HAPPY to share a marriage with me, and want to make something that is a part of the two of us ( a Child). Father, I hear your word and I take it but I need you to tell me what to do from here. I'm sad and I want a baby, you have promised me with more kids and I just don't know how you going to make this happen when David thinks the way that he does.
Madison and Morgan I want you more than my word can express and am praying and faithing you to come to my belly soon. You dad is having a little bit of a issue with you coming but through God we can do all things and God can turn the worse around and make it perfect. Make it in our favor. So God I ask you right now to touch my husbands heart let him see that babies are a gift from you, ahow him that he can't allow kids to make our choices and that we married each other. Father, I ask that you keep your promise about Sep and that you see it fit to carrying on to happen. Father- I lay at your feet asking you of this gift of twin girls and I believe in my heart that all things are possible. You said .

Matthew 17:20 King James Version (KJV)

 ²⁰And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

So father, I'm taking your words to heart and trusting that you are a man of your word. Your word in my heart is law and solid and real. Father in your name let it be done.

Twin Faith Madyson and Morgan

well I'am still not prego at all in fact am on my period right now. although am grateful for been on my period I still so desire to have twins. I prayed about a month ago that if having another baby is not in God's will for my life, that he would please take the very thought of having a baby away from me. He control our thoughts and he can take away my very way of thinking about babies away and that's what I asked him to do if it's not in his will for me to have more kids. I then asked Jesus, please if it is your will then let me know, I don't want it to be a thought, I don't want to think Jesus said this or that. Jesus I need something real from you saying it's ok to have another baby. I don't know how to lay a fleece but I need something solid and do you know what happened 3 days later on Sunday. I was working in the office after Church trying to get all the youth things ready for Convention and I had a question so I went to asked Sis.Lunkin. Well I forgot to tell you she had brought a guest who in fact was not into or should I say is not into Organized Churches meaning she don't go to a building to worship. (I think) anyways she came with SIs' Lunkin - Sis.Lunkin was not expecting her to come in fact she had asked her before and she always said no, anyways she came and she was there at our Church. I need to point out that I have NEVER seen or meet this lady before. Anyways I came out the office to asked Sis.Lunkin something and the two of them where in the back waiting for Bro.Lunkin to get out of Choir reshusal and  they just sat talking. Well I walked up asked Sis.Lunkin what I was going to but for some reason I stood there for a min. Then Sis.Lunkin looked at (M) I forget her name. Anyways and she says she has a testimony, she was talking about me. And at that point we all just talk. I asked if she enjoyed church she said yes and we talked aittle more abut church and then for some reason I was still stuck there. I was in the middle of doing something in the office but yet I stood there as if no where to go. Anyways, Sis. Lunkin reached for my hand and asked ( M) to do the same. So she did. Now one thing you have to know about me if I don't allow just anyone to touch me more so to pray for me. I have been told I have been like this my whole life. So when Sis.Lunkin then told M to pray for me I normally would of said o that's ok and made myself leave. But when M reached for my hand and I felt her touch it was something about that touch. It was life I felt it before and it felt safe. I remembered going to visit my Aunty and Uncle Curtis house in Austin and every time I went there or to my Aunt Deloris house and went to sleep I felt so safe and whole there. I always have trouble sleeping but I have never had sleepless night at there house even in my own home I sometime have trouble sleeping but never at their house but anyways that safe feeling if what I felt when M touched my hand. Anyways M right off started praying and she said things that was right on point. She said God was going to handle the people who touched me when I was a child that it's ok( she had no idea I was molested as a Child), she said that I need to make some changes prosay about my Job. ( she had no idea Iam talking a very important test this summer that has to do with my job, She had no idea am planning and desiring to go back to school to be a teacher, she had no idea I have been praying if this is the Job area where God wants me and it is and it was good to hear, God just wants me to go for promoting my Job.) She prayed over alot of things that I have been praying to God for and guess what she said in Sep somethings was going to happen and asked if I was done having a baby and when I said no is when she said she sees that and she prayed over my womb and then she said things is going to happen in Sep. So now in Faith am praying and faithing in God for Twin girls. Morgan Brooklyn Faith and Madison Emmalyn Grace So I will  see you in Sep to let you know if she was speaking form God or not or if this is real. I'm believing it is real because she could not know any of those things about me but from God. So see you soon and all am going to say is Try God, he is the real deal and if no baby am going to say I know God is real still but maybe it was just a word from God not a promise. Either way both is a gift. To hear a word from him is even greater than a promise because his word is a promise so from his word you get both and I guess from his promise is his word so again either way, he is the real deal. I'll update you in Sep. Bye see you soon, Morgan Brooklyn Faith and Madison Emmalyn Grace O by the way he never promised 2 babies just a baby am just having faith that it would be two. Let's see how far faith can take me. FAITH here I come and leaning on you.I just can't wait to meet Madison and Morgan. I said Iam going to wait until Sep but I change my mind I think I am going to blog daily about my mood and feelings cause I know it's going to be a up and down mood and also I think I will blog for the first year of theirr life. So join in on my faith walk I pray that God's name be known through my journey and may it help you in your life. God says in his word( the Bible) that we have not cause we ask not, I have asked and now am faithing as I call it.